Installment 2: a bit of aftermath
Suggested accompanying sound track: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Remission or Cancer Free
I have not heard the word remission with regards to breast cancer. I hear it more with leukemia and other types of cancer. I have been told that I am cancer free. Twice. Hm. It carried more joy the first time. Being the second in the same body part, my skepticism is strong, maybe justified. My son, statistics-minded as he is, on hearing my dismay about my numbers/odds (not really justified because my numbers are objectively good, but feelings have no IQ) reminded me that all these things are “independent variables.” My limbic system isn’t buying it. Yet.
Another word I’ve heard twice now. Curiously, as long as we aren’t dead, aren’t we all survivors? It seems a very low bar with a wide range of conditions. From just hanging on by a thread or a tube, beyond suffering–morphine, to fullness of life (think: building a business, writing books, serving the community, making beautiful art, nurturing one’s family). So it is a weak word packed with powerful baggage. If survival is the goal, quality of life takes a back seat. Continuing to breathe is necessary, but who can sustain that as the only goal? Surviving leaves little room for what comes next. It does mean that one has endured very hard circumstances, not dead yet. This is good.
As for cancer, I will be surviving* for at minimum the next ten years, or until I don’t. There will be regular check up appointments, daily pills that go after every molecule of estrogen in my body, future surgery (who knew silicone implants have a shelf life?), and wondering if what they’ve told me is true; today I am cancer free. Sort of. I am not free from treating cancer. I am not free from surviving. I am not “free to go.”
*Note: I will do better than survive. I train at a gym (Power Strength Training Systems) where my favorite workout is called Thrive. Bless them richly for that title. Active cancer treatment has meant earning my survival. Now it’s time to move on to thrival.